i really shouldnt be bloggin considering there is only bout 34 days to my a level's.. but i do not know how else to address this issue. i hope that you will read this and understand my position.
you have changed. you still smile and laugh and joke at me, calling me fat, saying that im ugly and i have absolutely no fashion sense and what not. and i do the exact same thing. but i see the pain that hides behind your eyes, i see the unshed tears and i sometimes even hear ur voice cracking, as though you are going to break down and cry at any moment. Please do not insult me. Please do not say that you are alright. we are too close to believe such lies anymore. do not insult our friendship like this.
i call you to check up on u every night and you are never sober. u claim you are. but i can tell that you are. the worst thing? i know how much alcohol u can take before you become drunk. and it is alot. so please, again, do not insult our friendship by saying that you are not drinking excessively, that you have not been drinking anymore that you used to. im 18, for goodness sake. im not the stupid naive 16 year old girl that you used to know.
I see you being concerned for me. you consistently call and irritate me when im out, telling me that i should be home studying for my alevels. You still protect me, even now, though the whole davius saga has ended. you say like stupid morons like him are not worth my tears. when i was recovering frm the luke saga, you told me that no guy is worth my tears. are you worth my tears though? cause im crying for you.
i feel myself dying each time i see you and each time u fake a smile for me. i feel like killing myself, because of how helpless im, because of how i cnt do you any good. especially since you were the one who helped me through pretty much everything in life for the past 2 years. i wan you to be sober when i call you at night because tt is the only time i can truly talk to you without interruption. I want you to be alive because by dying slowly, u kill a part of me too.
u are truly one of the bestest fren i have ever had. but u r dying. and u r killing me. and i cant help u. neither are u helping urself. should we just wish for death instead? is that a better option? let me know, i will join you, because that's what friends do. and we are friends. and friends do not leave each other to die.
i love you, river, you know i do. so dun u dare insult our friendship ever again.
Posted by r0ad5|d3 JuL|3+ at 2:55 PM
